


the upsurge of a feeling

by vexedcer



Series: brooklyn bridge [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pre-Slash, long conversations, they're still not there yet sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 19:45:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11743896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vexedcer/pseuds/vexedcer
Summary: He doesn't want to ask more of Magnus when he already gives so much.But at the same time - it could work. It might have even a small effect and when he's starting at zero, a plus-five percent seems like a leap in itself.(Simon and Magnus talk about some things.)





	the upsurge of a feeling

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings: suicide references, depression, addiction, mentions of blood, and possibly anxiety ?

It's not like it means anything, but the cuddling has freaked him out a little. 

This isn’t how it works; the female protagonist always gets her ruggedly handsome love interest in the end. Even if Clary and Jace have put a mutual stop on things, it still doesn't work this way; the snubbed best friend never gets the girl _ or _ the boy, even if he wants them. 

Because apparently he's living in a heteronormative rom-com, but he's a vampire now where as two months ago he  _ wasn't _ so he wouldn't be surprised if he was in fact just Clary’s sidekick in a bad teen movie.

Add in the facts that he’s queer, Latino and Jewish, and he’s really not going to get anything good if Hollywood is secretly running his life.

So maybe he's kinda been hiding out from Jace, a little, because the thing in the back of his head that was keeping very quiet until recently has been making itself known. It appreciates Jace's body very loudly and talks about his laugh when Nick Cage did  _ something _ on his laptop.

“Hiding” entails no actual hiding and no deviation from their current routine of him and Jace watching movies three nights a week except that he's now  _ aware  _ of the feelings he's actively repressing. Which - sucks a whole lot.

He's been feeling better and has been having less jump-off-a-bridge thoughts though, even if the self-deprecation remains a very loud voice in his head. And the anxiety. And the dissociation. 

But he maybe doesn't want to kill himself, right now - hooray? He doesn't know when his life really lowered his standards for “good things” but the bar's pretty low right now.

And he's still wondering about the venom thing - did Jace feel that pull in his gut towards  _ him, _ of all people on this planet? Did he feel for him the way he felt for Camille, with a ravenous burning in his stomach? 

Does Jace still crave the venom? Is it bad that Simon still craves his blood? 

When he confesses that to Magnus, late into the night with them both nursing drinks in wine glasses, his face turns soft.

“It doesn't make you a bad person, Simon,” he says quietly; he hasn't called him the wrong name in about two weeks, and he finds he kind of misses it. “But,” he adds, his face serious as he places his glass down on the side table, “You can never, ever drink from Jace again.”

“Why?”

It's not like he ever thought it was a good idea - he knew by the first drop that  _ this _ , this liquid sunlight, this hot sweet blindingly-angelic blood could ruin him. By the the time Valentine's men pulled him off with a  _ snick _ of his teeth in Jace's wrist, he was worried it already had. But the glamour fell away and the world turned to ash so quickly he didn't have time to really think about the addiction it could have became.

He's never been much of an addictive personality, thankfully. He tried cigarettes and weed and did not try them again. The only thing he could ever have a dependence on was coffee because he was a night owl and had a seven am wake time for school.

(In the back of his mind, he thinks of his mother pouring the full bottles of wine and vodka down the sink, him and Rebecca watching with tired pale faces. He’d been too young to remember the first intervention, but he’s seen every relapse since and he knows how addiction can nearly destroy a person.)

He thinks if he had two or three more bites, it could transcend his limitations, but he'd already resigned himself to never taste another drop again. 

“Vampire venom is - very addictive. Nephilim pride themselves on their angelic ancestors but that doesn't stop their humanity from being just as strong.”

“So that's why I went back to Camille?”

Magnus’ face twitches at the sound of her name, but it smoothens out quickly, like it was never there. “Yes,” he says. His voice is still it's usual slick sure-sounding thing but there's a layer of hurt under it all. “And Jace's pure angelic blood would be very addictive to vampires. The two of you would be killing each other in the long run.”

“So how long would it take for one bite to get out of someone's system?” He asks, minefielding his way through his body language and tone consciously. 

He doesn't know why he feels like he can't tell Magnus about the feelings he's harbouring for Jace deep beneath his skin. Magnus is literally an underappreciated queer icon, he wouldn't have a nasty world to say. 

Magnus gives him a look that obviously means he isn't fooled by his carefully calculated posture.

“Some people will burn through it quicker, it depends on body mass and lifestyle - a lot of quite boring biology, actually.” He raises his glass to his lips with a quirk of his brow. “A male Shadowhunter in active duty, with no repeat occurrences -” he hums for a second like he's trying to figure out the math in his head, “Maybe three weeks before the craving is fully gone?”

He takes a deep breath. “And it's not effected by - like sexuality or anything? Like it doesn't matter if the person who was bitten only likes women and is bitten by a man - ?”

Magnus makes a soft noise to interrupt him. “None of that matters,” he says firmly. “It's a drug, Simon, it changes how we think and how we act, it doesn't matter who we are before. It's just addiction, gender and pre-existing sexuality don't factor in.”

He looks over him, almost like he's hesitating - which in itself is weird because he doesn't think he's ever seen Magnus hesitate. It looks weird on him.

“And if it makes you feel any better, I don't think Jace is as straight as you think he is.”

Simon feels like his insides are flooded with ice. “How do you know?”

Magnus’ face shifts towards a scoff, something familiar in this bizarre moment. “I've been around for a long time, I pride myself on having an excellent gaydar.”

He cracks a smile at that, despite the upsurge of a feeling that used to accompany a million-miles-an-hour heartbeat. “Is that how you knew Alec was gay?”

“ _ Please _ ,” Magnus says with a roll of his eyes. The return to normality and divergence away from Simon's dire romantic life is welcomed. “I didn't need all my experience to know that, he was so obvious from the moment I set eyes on him.”

He laughs at that, the panic in his chest quelling; regardless of whatever happens in his life, he's glad that Magnus and Alec have each other. From what he's seen, Alec’s had a rough as fuck time getting here and to know that he has Magnus really makes him think true love is a real (if rare) thing. 

The two of them fall into a comfortable quiet as Magnus taps away on his phone for a moment, presumably to Alec.

He sips his drink and watches as Magnus flicks his fingers along the screen, his rings clinking against the side as he flies through his text. He's struck with the image of Magnus from two weeks ago, dressed down with bare hands. 

There's an idea he's had for the last while - something on the fringes of his mind that he's wanted to ask Magnus but he's very worried it'll be asking too much. He's already given up so much for him - his home, his energy and time, his understanding. Magnus is secretly a giver, wants to take care of all the people who end up roped into his chosen family. 

He doesn't want to ask more of Magnus when he already gives so much, and puts the time into making sure no one ever sees how much he works to disguise his effort. 

But at the same time - it could work. It might have even a small effect and when he's starting at zero, a plus-five percent seems like a leap in itself.

“Before I was turned,” he says, looking into the glass of blood in his hand, “This sort of stuff -” he gestures vaguely to his head in a small movement, “It used to happen a lot. Not like going to the bridge, it never got that bad but, uhm - I couldn't get out a bed a lot of the time and I was on antidepressants and stuff.”

The surface of the blood in his cup is one unwavering shade of deep red, thick and smooth. It reminds him of the impenetrable darkness between the bridge and the rushing river below, uninterrupted and a solid void of colourless night. 

He places the cup down before his brain can dwell on the idea. His empty hands knot nervously into themselves and he watches them instead of watching the man across from him as he speaks.

“I was just wondering if, uhm - I know it's a lot to ask and if you can't do it then it's fine, I don't expect you to know everything but - I was wondering if there were any potions or spells that would work in a similar way to antidepressants.”

The words hang between them for a few seconds like a quivering piano note, before Magnus leans forward to stop the way his nails are digging into his own wrist. 

He didn't even notice the pain or that his hands are clenched into fists or the way his breathing sped up until Magnus leaned forward to separate his hands and murmurs quietly for him to breath. 

Magnus watches him carefully while he gets a hold of himself again, concerned eyes taking in every detail of him as he heaves controlled breathes into his lungs.

“Simon,” he says, leaning towards him with a sad look on his face. “A lot of fledglings deal with depression after turning and I've been trying for years to find something that works but - I'm sorry. If I could heal you or give you something to control the symptoms, I would but I'm afraid there's nothing I can do.”

He gives a jerky nod, looking down but not really seeing. Magnus puts a hand on his knee in comfort. 

“When I didn't come back that night, what did you think happened?” He looks up at Magnus, whose face is troubled with pursed lips. 

“I thought maybe - someone from the clan had gotten to you. I didn't think -”

“ - I was trying to kill myself.” He lifts his glass again and swallows a mouthful of the room-temperature blood.

Magnus traces the movements with a watchful eye. “I confess, the idea crossed my mind. You've been - very withdrawn since the Seelie Court, which is understandable.” He removes the hand on his knee and sits back in his chair. “But I didn't think it was that bad. I regret not reaching out to you properly.”

He makes a noise of protest at that. “Everyone was busy with Valentine, we still are - I don't blame you for not dropping everything just because my girlfriend broke up with me.”

Magnus gives him a little sad smile. “Still,” he says like he intends to follow it with more words, but he stays silent for a moment. “I'm glad Jace found you.”

“Yeah,” he agrees, “Me too.”

“Speaking of Jace,” Magnus starts, standing to get the bottle of red wine he left on his bar cart. “What's going on with you two?”

Simon sighs, feeling tired. He remembers talking like this with Clary; her telling him about her crushes over the course of their high school years, asking what girls Simon thought were attractive (and later what boys after Simon haltingly told her that he “might not be straight”). It was usually late at night eating doritos on her bedroom floor after Jocelyn had finally trudged her way to bed.

And thinking about Jace is - it's weird, because suddenly (not suddenly at all) they're something approaching friends - _ he cuddled you while you cried and then watched fail compilation videos on YouTube afterwards, _ his brain so usefully supplies - so maybe they are friends but Jace is his best friend's deepest desire and it's all just  _ super weird _ .

“I don't know,” he says helpfully as Magnus sits down again. “I don't know if it's because he's being nice to me and I'm rebounding -”

“It's not that,” Magnus interrupts, drinking from his glass. At Simon's confused look, he says, “The two of you have had tension for as long as I've been standing in the same room as you both, and that was because you both thought you were in love with Clary - and now that neither of you are vying for her attention anymore, that pressure is gone and now you're cuddling and watching YouTube videos together in bed.”

He thinks that if he could still blush, his face would be a vivid red, probably glowing in the dim mood lighting of the loft. 

“The two of you are a lot more alike than you think.”

He splutters an indignant  _ how? _ at Magnus. “He's an arrogant dickhead! How are we alike?!”

“You'd both do anything for your family, you're both worryingly self-sacrificing and fiercely loyal to the people you care about.” Magnus says it all in a matter-of-fact way like it's some checklist he's reading off in his head. 

He knows deep down in the same place that first housed his feelings for Jace that what Magnus is saying is true. The need to protect himself is a strong instinct to overcome, built up by years of protecting himself being necessary. Jace can be an absolute pain in the ass sometimes but he's also kind and caring in an unexpected way. He dropped everything to make sure he was okay when he called him, he let him ruin his shirt with bloody tears, he talked him off a fucking ledge even though before that point they'd only ever been hostile towards each other.

Jace isn't just some obnoxious asshole, not anymore.

Simon hates him, but not really. 

“What I'm wondering now, my dear, is what do you plan to do about this -,” he moves his hand in a vague swirling motion while the other delicately balances his glass between his fingers, “ - new opportunity?”

He ducks his head, reaches to pick at the skin around his nails but stops himself and flattens his hands against his thighs. “I don't know, Magnus - I'm not in a good place right now, is a new relationship really going to be healthy for me? It's not fair on him that he basically has to take care of me already -”

“Simon,” Magnus interrupts firmly, leaning towards him from his armchair, “If you're not ready for a relationship, that's okay and I'm sure Jace will respect that. But this is something good, and I don't want to let it pass without at least encouraging you to try it. And Jace knows what he's in for - he supports you because he cares about you, and he knows that him loving you isn't going to  _ fix _ you or stop you from having depression.”

He nods - when he says it like that, it makes sense but Jace isn't exactly the most stable person in the world either, and there's the blood thing - this could just be a long lasting effect of the bite and the cravings; unlikely but still possible. But most of all, he's _ scared _ .

“What if it doesn't work out?” He says quietly, feeling easily breakable and small, the anxiety of loss when he's already lost so much these past two months making him gnaw at his lip. 

“Then you have a lot of friends willing to support you if you need them too. Just because Jace is the most prominent right now doesn't mean the rest of us aren't ready to help you if you need us.”

He lets out a deep breath, mulling over Magnus’ words. He feels exhausted, but that’s not an uncommon feeling as of late. He spent most of the afternoon in bed until Magnus coaxed him out with the promise (threat) of good company and good blood. He wants to crawl back into bed and sleep forever, which has become a feat that’s the tiniest bit more achievable, due to his latent immortality.

“Thanks, Magnus,” he says quietly, unintentionally heavy with gratitude, but it’s there all the same.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not 100% on the ending for this but hey its whatever. i think there'll maybe be one more installment to this series to wrap everything up.
> 
> this fic is largely based on my (real-time) experiences w mental health so if this doesn't reflect your experiences, these are mine. also: my mh is improving rn!! slowly but surely which is why Simon is also improving slowly. i love making characters into self-inserts.


End file.
